unCONTROLlable
by PhyteWrites
Summary: "She had already been selfish enough by allowing herself to grow attached to Hitoshi Shinso… she wasn't about to make that kind of thing a habit. That would be was dangerous to others. It was always there, after all."
1. 1: Problems With Change

**AN: I don't own Boku No Hero Academia.**

* * *

'…_how exactly…_

…_did I end up here again…?'_

When she asked herself that question, she wasn't quite sure what she was referring to.

Perhaps, she could have been referring to her lot in life…

Just how was it that she'd ended up an orphan? When she closed her eyes and tried to picture her parents faces, she could see them clearly, even now...

How had she ended up in this school, in this prefecture, so far away from where she once called home?

'_How did I end up with…'_…no, it would do her no good to dwell on THAT, or those other things, right now. She wasn't the self-pitying type, anyway.

Maybe she was wondering how she had mustered up the strength to get out of bed today, how she had managed to brush her teeth and apply deodorant. Moreover, it was flat out unnecessary for her to do things like iron her uniform last night, (the school never seemed to care when Kiyoshi showed up with his clothes looking like he'd just been mauled by a bear) or greet Rin with a smile in the morning (yeah, they shared a room, but it didn't matter)- but she had done them anyway. Why? Those were empty platitudes, part of a fruitless routine which somehow only seemed to remind her of exactly where she would end up in life.

No.

She was just asking herself what she was doing on the school's rooftop again.

Of course, that was an easy question to answer. She wasn't a romantic who wanted to feel the wind in her hair on what was a particularly windy spring day. She wasn't some delinquent that had snuck out from the lunch hall to take a smoke, either (despite what her classmates would have you believe).

'_If I jumped… it would definitely be over, right here and now.'_

And, as usual, she mulled over it; not a lot was stopping her from jumping. She wasn't a particularly exceptional person. She wasn't a popular girl and had no one she could even call 'an acquaintance' in her class. Rin might miss her, but she would get over it eventually, and it would be one less mouth to feed in the orphanage.

But then, she would mull it over some more and she would realize she couldn't do it. Not out of fear, cowardice, or because leaving it all behind would bother her.

'_I would be the lowest of the low if I left It behind, on it's own... for someone else to discover. _

And so, as was her daily routine, she picked up her stuff and left the roof. She could never jump... but she could still consider it, right? That much, she was allowed.

Somehow, it had become addicting, and deep down she knew this wouldn't be her last time coming to this place.

* * *

'What a creep, right?'

'Pffft… sssh, Kiyoshi! He's right behind us, man!'

Kiyoshi and his 'friends' were bothering that Shinso kid again. It seemed to happen more and more frequently as of late, and she wondered why. Really, she was used to the act itself. Everyone in the class was. Had it been any other day, she wouldn't have really had much of a problem with it, shameful as it was to say.

However, today was not such a day. She was sick, but the workers would never school kids at the orphanage laze around, 'it was bad for their reputation', they would say (as if they really cared), so she had reluctantly dragged herself to school. She had come inside earlier than she usually did, from her balcony pondering, to escape the frigid winds, and right now, she really wanted nothing more than to take a nap…

Yet. Kiyoshi and his goon squad would just not… stop… **talking.**

'_Really and truly, would it hurt them to just...'_

_**dIE**_

'…_shut up for once?' _She completed her thoughts, completely ignoring Its voice inside her head. She'd gotten used to It, after all.

She really did want to get just _five minutes _of shut eye before the next classes started…

'He's too much of a _coward_ to think about using his scumm-'

...And she never was one to shy away from confronting someone.

* * *

'Really, Kiyoshi-san… could you stop running your mouth for once? Oxygen is a precious resource, you know, and it's improper to be wasteful…'

Hitoshi, like everyone else, was completely taken aback by her speaking up. Not just because someone was defending him (which hadn't happened since elementary school), but because this particular someone was _her…_

Really, in the time he had spent in 3-E, Hitoshi couldn't ever recall a time Takahashi spoke outside of a class, let alone without anyone addressing her.

'Huh?! And who…..' of course, Kiyoshi's sentence completely trailed off when he became cognizant of the fact it was _Takahashi_ he was ready to snap at. She had that effect on people. Her very appearance seemed to intimidate those around her. Of course, when he thought that, he wasn't talking about genetics. After all, her eye color was literally the most common in Japan, and although her hair was a deep, dark, black, like the midnight sky, no one could say it was any more unusual than the blues and pinks around the room. And wasn't she the shortest in the class?

Really, it was the bandage over her left eye. The makeshift eyepatch pushed her appearance from "unnoticeable" to "downright intimidating". '_I mean,' _Hitoshi began to think, _'just how many people can say they've seen a student with an eyepatch in THEIR junior high?' _Not too many, he was sure.

Once, he remembered, at a time that seemed to be ages ago, someone had dared her to take the thing off. She didn't even ponder the idea, shooting them down with a resounding 'no'. Every third year had heard some rumor about her, and they were all founded upon what she had said next.

_"You really, REALLY wouldn't want to see what's behind it,"_ she had let all parties who were listening know.

'Oh? It really is possible. Kiyoshi-san CAN stop talking after a-… sorry. That was uncouth, wasn't it? What I'm trying to say is, I'm tired, and I'd like to take a nap before our next class in 15 minutes. If it really is possible for you guys, please keep the volume down…' and, before anyone left in the classroom could think of a retort, Takahashi turned her head towards the classroom door and lay it on her crossed arms, motioning she was really going to nap after all.

There was no malice in her voice, even as she insulted Kiyoshi. She maintained eye contact with him the entire time, and hadn't grimaced as though his verbal bullying disgusted her, hadn't grinned as if she found it amusing…

…if Hitoshi were a more cynical person, he would think she was unable to emote at all.

After a couple of moments of collective stunned silence in the classroom, Kiyoshi and his group continued to talk, and people resumed eating lunch, as though nothing happened. Yet… the atmosphere had changed, and so had the topic of conversation.

Regardless of her intention… Hitoshi was thankful.

'_If she really is napping… I'll wake her up before class starts.' _He wouldn't want her to get into trouble after she'd just helped him.

And he doubted any of his classmates would.

* * *

It was beginning to become extremely irritating, the way Shinso continued to stare at her.

At first, he'd woken her up when Inoue-sensei had walked into the classroom and given her this weird look as he spoke. 'Class is about to start, don't let him catch you sleeping…' he'd trailed off, as the bags under his crinkling up as he made an expression that she couldn't read, which she'd also found annoying, but she could brush that off. She wasn't the best at reading emotions, anyway, especially not from someone as closed off as Shinso.

However, he continued to throw glances her way, all the way through Inoue-sensei's class, and it continued even now, during the last class of the day, because she had refused to acknowledge them.

'_Don't tell me,' _she pondered _'that he mistook my earlier quip at Kiyoshi-san for kindness?' _Even she wasn't emotionally dense enough to miss such implications.

She didn't believe herself to be an UNkind person… her quip at Kiyoshi wasn't something she did daily, and really, she was more the silent type, not going out of her way to bad-mouth peope. Yet, she wasn't outwardly kind either… after all, she knew it was dangerous for people to get to close to her. However, Shinso seemed to be determined to bore a hole through to her brain with his eyes, as if he wanted to peer into her brain so he could collect information telling him whether he could make an attempt.

She sighed, not looking up from her notes and in his general direction, still giving him no indication he what he was doing was so obvious to her.

'_I guess I'll talk to him after class, and sort this issue out.'_

Surprisingly, it was Shinso who came up to her first.

* * *

As they were packing up for the day, he mustered up the courage to ask his question.

'Takahashi-san, why did you speak up when Kiyoshi-san was saying all those things about me...? No one's ever done that before.'

She didn't even give any indication that she'd heard what he'd asked, continuing to pack up her stuff. He was prepared to ask again, but then she put her last book in her bag, and looked up at him.

He DID have more than a head of height over her, but in that moment…

'I truly did want to take a nap, Shinso-san, nothing more. Don't make any mistakes about my intentions.' She said it in the most unfeeling way possible. Concise. Direct. Unemotionally. Yet, in that moment…

In that moment…

All Hitoshi could think was, _'she seems so… small.' _Why?

Had it been anyone in their class other than Hitoshi Shinso, the conversation would've been over right then and there. Were he any other person, Takahashi and Shinso would've gone their separate ways, with there no longer being any reason for them to stay in the classroom; everyone else was heading home, after all. They both would've followed the crowd rushing out of the gates.

But Hitoshi Shinso was Hitoshi Shinso. And Hitoshi Shinso knew he wanted to be a hero, in the truest sense of the word.

Hitoshi wanted to save people.

And maybe he was being foolish and overstepping his boundaries, but as she began to walk away from her desk and to the door…

'Takahashi-san, do you have… problems at home?'

…she seemed like she needed saving.

Before, when he asked her the question, she had been looking at him but not AT him. Now, she whipped her head around, so fast her bun trailed behind her, and really gave him a good look. What she saw on his face, even if it was fleeting… the genuinely worried expression, made her eyes bulge.

'What… on Earth… possibly gave you such an idea?'

When she said that, in the way she did, Hitoshi knew that he had been way off-base with his question. Yet, he was surer than ever… he had the opportunity to be a "hero" for someone, right now.

'Sorry… that was a stupid question, but… want to exchange phone numbers?' Oh God, could he really be a hero like this? What was he even saying right now?

Now, she was uncharacteristically flustered, her brain threatening to burst right out of her head as it spun like a carousel. _'Exchange… numbers?'_ Was she losing her grip on reality? _'Just what kind of conversation are we having here?!'_ She hoped the heat on her face wasn't too visible to him as she shook her head to dispel any and all inane thoughts she was having at the present moment. No, she wasn't doing this, she determined, and made towards the door again, but he continued to ramble on.

'Sorry! That was too forward.' _'Hitoshi, you idiot! Stop talking like a character out of a romance manga and say what you really mean!' _'It's just, you seem… lonely. You shouldn't have to carry your burdens alone.' Where did that come from?! Yet, as he looked at her back...

... it really did seem as if she was attempting to carry the whole world on her own, small as she was.

She well and truly froze, then. _'What are you saying, Shinso-san?,'_ she thought. After all, the burden she carried… it would always be hers to carry. Alone. _'That's how it's always been. It's how it MUST be,' _she had concluded long ago. Still… she was grateful for the sentiment, warmth stirring in her chest.

'Thanks, Shinso-san. You're a good person.' It was his turn to be shocked into stillness. No one in his class had ever said that before. It made him think that maybe his dream of becoming a hero that saves wasn't so unattainable after all.

'Just Shinso is fine. Shinso Hitoshi, that's my name.' What he was doing wasn't lost on her. Wanting her to drop the honorific, introducing himself… he really did think he could be friends with her. The mere thought was ridiculous, and…

_**DiDNT aSK**_

It invaded her thoughts again, clearly not approving of this continued interaction. But…

'Takahashi Atae.'

She left the classroom. Here was where the conversation would end.

* * *

They both left with lighter hearts.

* * *

_**shInsO… mAybE... aCTuaLLy...**_

_**hE cOUldvE bEEn a gOOd hOst.**_

She was having the nightmare again.

In this nightmare world... this was always where It spoke the most.

Eventually, she would get tired of Its rambling, and go on her own rant. She would say all sorts of nasty things about It, and It would let her, going completely silent. She would curse Its name, talking about how she didn't deserve Its presence in her head. What right did It have? She would call It a monster. She would tell It that It deserved to rot in hell.

When she had no more words for It, It would speak up again, saying the words it always did right before she jolted out of her slumber, out of this reoccurring, dreaded nightmare.

_**mE aND yOU… wE aRe thE sAme. **_Those hellish words.

At that point, she would always wake up.

She would always get out of bed, moving to the window.

And she would always cry. Not too loudly, otherwise Rin would wake up and ask her what's wrong. Another routine, ingrained in her after years of silent suffering.

But she knew that It was always lurking.

…

...

_**'…Why couldn't I have just stayed Quirkless?...'**_

* * *

**AN: The band-aid has been ripped... I have posted this story for your eyes to scrutinize. Rip into it as much as you like in the reviews. If, for some reason, you actually enjoyed this word vomit, fave it or whatever (I won't fault you if you're too embarrassed to associate yourself with this, though).**

**edit: slight edits to the chapter, because it was hard to read, especially with no distinguishing of It (betcha can't guess what "It" is). chapter 2 will be posted sometime next week (if you care lmao)**


	2. 2: Hope For The Future

**AN: I don't own Boku No Hero Academia.**

* * *

After that day, things had regressed to where they once were between Hitoshi and Takahashi, and he was admittedly frustrated by the distance she kept from him. She still looked burdened - he still felt a sense of duty, a need to help her, but-

Since the confrontation they'd had, Takahashi seemed to find a way avoid him whenever possible. He tried to approach her during lunch, only for her to vanish to god-knows-where - that part was normal - but nowadays she wouldn't resurface until right before class resumed (he was sure she usually came back sooner, but maybe he was just imagining it). It was similar after school. He didn't sit particularly close to her, so he couldn't just turn and speak to her, and it seemed she had packing her stuff up down to a science at this point, because by the time he was done, she was long gone.

'Since you're all third years now, it's time for you lot to seriously start considering your, umm... future, you know…'

As he pondered what he was going to do about Takahashi, he completely tuned out the voice of their homeroom teacher. After all, Hitoshi Shinso knew he wanted to be a hero. It had been his dream for the longest time. His plans for the near future were already carved out in his mind.

He looked to the girl that had been occupying his thoughts as of lately, seeing her attention was more on whatever was outside the window than what Inoue-sensei was saying. As he studied Takahashi, he wondered…

'_What are her dreams for the future?'_

* * *

Unlike some, Atae Takahashi didn't dream about the future.

It was completely useless, and she wasn't in the business of constantly undertaking useless endeavors. Not in the sense that thinking about one's future was useless. Although those who lived life day-to-day and didn't think about their future could say that they didn't fret over stuff like that, she believed that kind of ideology was completely idiotic. _'That kind of thinking is the epitome of shortsightedness,'_she would think to herself when people claimed to view life in that way.

No, she just didn't see the point in thinking about HER future, to be specific. Why bother? She wouldn't fool her self. Her life was coming to one end. Not even considering the fact that she was an orphan, a throw-away no one wanted, she had sealed her fate on that day...

She was lucky for every second It allowed her to continue living.

* * *

'Takahashi-san… what's wrong?' Classes were finished for the day, yet she just sat in her desk, a sheet of paper in front of her. She stared ahead at the board, as if it would reveal something profound to her if she stared just a little bit longer. She would have usually made her great escape by now, but something was clearly distracting her.

'Oh, Shinso-san.' When she looked toward him to reply, he was admittedly relieved. She didn't tell him to piss off in whatever polite way she would've said it, didn't insult him like she did Kiyoshi, and she hadn't just ignored him and ran, and so maybe he could be assured that he had gotten through to her when he had stopped her that day, after all. Still… she hadn't dropped the honorific (and neither had he), he noticed, frowning slightly. There was still a ways to go, he concluded, before he could say he had broken through her shell. 'It's no problem of yours. Shouldn't you be heading home?,' she replied, raising a single eyebrow at him.

_'What a rebuke!,' _Shinso thought. Worst of all was the fact that Takahashi didn't even seem to be trying to be rude... or trying to be anything, to be honest. To his surprise, though, she actually started up the conversation again.

'I'm just thinking about the career forms we were handed out earlier… really, I just want to fill it out and hand it in as soon as possible,' she told him, punctuating her statement with a small sigh. True to her declaration, the form was what she had on the desk in front of her, pen in hand, although she wasn't being entirely truthful as to why.

She was worried older kids at the orphanage would find out. She'd seen it, they were practically obsessed with the kids in their third year of junior high. After all, as orphans who hadn't done particularly well in school themselves, they would soon be out on the streets, doomed to homelessness. They wanted to make sure that those below them knew that they would wind up with the same fate, before they were kicked out. She remembered vividly, the shoving and verbal abuse that she had watched one third year student receive, the first occurrence she witnessed of many. When she had asked why, more to herself than anyone, a boy had replied _"that's just how things are here."_

Atae wasn't a stellar student by any means, so the older kids at the orphanage usually left her alone… but still, she didn't want to take any risks. Her life was all doom and gloom enough as it was, anyway, and in the worst case scenario, she wouldn't be able to keep her emotions in check, and It would use their heckling as an opportunity to strike... no, she definitely could not go home with the sheet.

'If it's really bothering you that much… can't you just fill it out with whatever and revise it later?' She let out a heavier sigh towards Shinso at that, one that seemed to reverberate through her bones, causing her to visibly sag. Someone like him wouldn't understand, would he? 'Not a stellar student' didn't even really begin to cover it. She was average to flat out bad in almost every category. Every job prospect that came to her head, were she to put one down, was sure to come with a conversation with Inoue-sensei, complete with his hemming and hawing and 'you know?'s, and she didn't want to deal with that either. She had half a mind to put down "homeless", or more astutely, "dead", but writing _those _down would come with entirely different conversations, probably involving some unenthusiastic counselor, and the workers at the orphanage would be extremely unhappy with _that, _were they to catch wind of it.

She expressed a bit of her sentiments about this vocally. 'Of course, you wouldn't get it, would you, Shinso-san?' She let out another sigh as she spoke, 'Unlike me, I'm sure you have a bright future with plans that Inoue-sensei couldn't possibly question.' After all, even she was astute enough to notice that Shinso worked hard, and as such, had grades near the top of their class.

'Actually…' he began, and Atae's interest was admittedly piqued, so she stopped tapping her paper with the pen and listened. '… I want to apply to UA, the Hero Course, but it might be hard, considering…' he went quiet, but Atae knew what he was going to say.

* * *

It was common knowledge among 3-E what Hitoshi Shinso's quirk was, ever since their first year, really when he had still been bold enough to even mention it out loud. _'Brainwashing,'_ he had said was the name it was given. A name with sinister connotations, that seemed even more sinister when he explained it in full. As a result, it was his quirk that was the cause of all the verbal abuse he endured from classmates, and why the teachers were particularly wary around him, even if they tried to act otherwise.

'Your quirk? What's wrong with it?'

Atae didn't buy into stupid crap like that.

'The Hero Course at UA… your quirk would be pretty good for something like that, don't you think? If villains weren't expecting you, you could incapacitate them faster than they could blink, and Brainwashing would be useful for de-escalating all sorts of situations too… I can definitely see it.' Rather than worry about whatever stupid stigma people have against his quirk, she wished Shinso would think rationally. The fact of the matter, at least from where she stood, is that Hitoshi Shinso could be a sizable asset to UA.

Hitoshi had to take some time to process what Takahashi had said. Besides the fact that might be the most he's ever heard her speak… did she really believe all that? That _he _could make it into the Hero Course, even with his, by his own reluctant admittance, not-so-heroic quirk? It wasn't particularly flashy or powerful, either. He expressed it as such. 'Did… you seriously mean all that? I mean, it's not strong, or coo-' As he began to ramble, she gave her full attention to him, turning her face towards him and looking at him as if he was an idiot, and cut him off before he could keep going. 'Of course. Just so you know, I'm not in the habit of saying what I don't mean. Brainwashing definitely has the making of a hero's quirk.' No one outside his family had ever told Hitoshi that before, and his chest swelled with a feeling unrecognizable... but it was warm.

'Takahashi, you can be nice when you want to, huh?' As usual, they played their back and forth, it now being Atae's turn to process what Shinso was saying as he soldiered on. 'You know… I don't know anything about your quirk, so I can't say you could make the Hero Course, but I bet you would make a good police officer. Or maybe a teacher? You have a lot of compassion, actually...' Her eyes nearly popped out of her head with his last statement. _'Teacher? POLICE OFFICER?' _If he knew what her "quirk" was… she almost wanted to laugh at such ludicrous statements, but that would be mean; she settled for a wince, instead.

As he finished, and her facial expression settled, she gave him a wry smile, laced with sadness, and then turned away from him. _'Damn, did I say the wrong thing?!' _he pondered. She seemed to think about what he said for what felt like an eternity before replying. Then, she turned halfway back to him, the same smile stuck on her face like the patchwork over her eye. 'Like I said before, you're a good person, Shinso-san. Thanks, but…' as she went quiet, she turned face him fully, and for the first time in a while, Hitoshi felt an intimidating aura coming off her, even though her expression had hardly changed. Her eyes had glazed over, and it was almost as if she was looking through him, thinking about a time long past.

'…unlike you…' as she continued...

Was he imagining things? Or... was there something **moving** under the patch over her left eye? She grit her teeth before continuing, with a third sigh.

'… I was cursed with a _truly _villainous quirk. That type of occupation... those that involve helping others? It's impossible for me. Eventually...' She trailed off, shaking of her head. '_Hiding something,'_ he thought.

He couldn't muster up a reply as she picked up the form on her desk, still blank, put her pen away in her blazer pocket and moved towards the door.

'Thanks again, Shinso. See you tomorrow.'

He left her there by himself, mind racing. He couldn't stop thinking about her eye and what she had said. A "truly villainous" quirk? What did she mean...? Could she...?

'_Stupid,' _he thought to himself, dismissing those sorts of thoughts before they manifested. _'What kind of a hypocrite are you, Hitoshi? It's not your place to worry about that stuff.'_

_'Takahashi… maybe I won't ever understand, but… I gotta try.'_

_'After all,'_ he surmised in his mind, _'true heroes do the rescuing first, before they interrogate._'

* * *

She still couldn't go home, not with the sheet unfilled, but as she sat on the roof, her special area… she had an idea of what she could put down, now.

_'...UA, huh….?'_

* * *

**AN: This be a double update! Read the next chapter, I pray thee!**


	3. 3: It Was Uncorked, And Then

**AN: Imma keep sayin' it! BNHA ain't belong to me! Got that?!**

* * *

Of course, when she thought about for literally more than 5 seconds, she knew she couldn't put such a stupid idea down. She took some blue tack (she always carried some around with her - weird habit, but you never know), went back to the class, stuck the sheet to the bottom of her desk, and called it a day. Why she hadn't done that in the first place, she didn't know. The kids at the orphanage wouldn't find out, and she doubted any teacher would see it either. And that was that.

Oh, how she wished it was that simple. What she had done caused two problems. Really, two branches of a single problem that were connected to each other.

Inoue-sensei had said that students could take their time with the form. Yet, the next day, over half the class was ready to hand their forms in, Shinso included. 3 days later, everyone had handed theirs in... everyone but one person. When Inoue-sensei realized who that one person was, he wouldn't stop pestering her, constantly holding her back for 'friendly chats' after school.

Inoue-sensei was a nice enough teacher- when he had found out about her living situation at the beginning of the second year, and that she was bullied because of it, he requested that she be put in his homeroom, where he made sure that didn't happen. When she became a third-year, he followed her up. Students were required to join clubs at Nabu; in her first year, she had joined the Tennis Club, but she wasn't athletic at all. So, in her second year, Inoue-sensei encouraged her to join the Literature Club, for which he was a supervisor, seeing as how he taught Literature himself. The kids there were a minimal bother, and she actually learned a lot.

Really, she should be thankful for all he had done and continued to do for her, right?

Atae Takahashi _loathed_ being treated like a charity case.

* * *

And, on that train of thought... the second branch of her problem.

Hitoshi Shinso treated her like a charity case.

When he caught wind of the fact she hadn't handed her form in, he caught her after school one day, and said he would help her brainstorm ideas. _"You haven't made any progress, since then, huh... I could help, if you want?" _That was what he'd said. She hated how he'd phrased it like a question.

She had rejected him outright at first, knowing she was beyond helping... but he was too damn _persistent_. He wasn't an outgoing guy, but after constant glances during classes and after school, and him constantly asking questions that weren't _outright_ 'can I help you?'s but were close enough, she had finally caved in, hoping he would eventually quit on her once he actually got to working with her.

Shinso didn't quit. Every day, after school, they would meet at the library, and he would try and help with her situation. At first, she let him do all the talking, but when she realized he wasn't going to give up, she eventually started to converse, just to prevent it from being more awkward than it already was. She had found... he was surprisingly easy to talk to. She found herself slipping into feeling comfortable around Shinso. Eventually, they would start to talk about stuff that wasn't her problem choosing careers, and he continued to be easy to talk to. He had even helped her study some, taking her through concepts slowly, so she'd understand, but it didn't offend her.

She recently found herself smiling at him. Small, warm smiles that she didn't remember being on her face since her par-

_'This really can't continue,' _thought Takahashi, in the library after school that day. Spontaneously, she decided she would do something smart, for once.

* * *

'Yo, Takahashi-san!' Hitsohi whispered, causing her to look up at him. They hadn't dropped the honorifics, yet, but that wasn't bothering him anymore. He was just glad he was helping her and she continued to meet with him. Maybe... they were even friends at this point. He didn't have a lot of those, so he cherished their meetings.

'Shinso-san,' she replied. Immediately, Hitoshi knew something was off. She was staring at him weirdly, with what he had dubbed "the faraway look". The one he didn't like, that sent chills down his spine. None of her stuff was out. 'Sorry...' she began, looking away from him now, searching for words to say. _'Don't tell me...' _Hitoshi thought to himself.

With that, he sighed. She was about to run off again. And not because she needed to get home and started on some chores. Just from her tone, she had already began to shut him out. 'Just... why? Have I done something to offend you?' he asked in a defeated tone. He didn't want to force her to talk to him, but after all this progress, he wanted some explanation.

'You don't have to do this anymore.' There it was. 'Truth be told, I've already decided what I'm going to do now, so this is unnecessary.' Wait, what?

'Huh?' Hitoshi said, admittedly, taken aback. Honestly, that just caused him to feel even more deflated. 'When?' She'd done it while he wasn't even there? It's not like that wasn't good, but...

'This afternoon, during lunch, truth be told. I just thought I shouldn't waste your time anymore than I already had.' Is that really what she thought this entire time? That they were just _"wasting time"_? 'You've been really kind, helping me up to this point, even when I don't deserve it.' As she talked, she got up to leave.' 'I don't want to be the kind of person that takes advantage of someone's kindness for their own selfish gain. We don't have to meet here anymore. Bye.' Hitoshi, crestfallen, didn't have anything to say as she walked out. She looked back at him, assessing him one last time, before leaving the library with a finality that made Hitoshi feel that he shouldn't talk to her again.

He balled his fists up and gritted his teeth.

'Damnit.'

* * *

Atae did the right thing.

She'd done the right thing... right?

_Had she done the right thing?_

If she got too close to Shinso, eventually, she'd end up hurting him. She'd lose control over It... and that would be that. She had deduced, therefore, that severing ties with him was the best thing to do. Yet... if she'd done the right thing, why did she feel so bad about it? She hadn't felt like this in a long time, but she could recognize how she was feeling right now.

This feeling of longing- she hadn't felt this in a while.

She shouldn't have turned back to look at his face. When she thought of the downright sorrowful expression she had seen on his face before she left... that made her feel more evil than anything It could tell her.

For once in her life, she finally had someone she could say... was more than an acquaintance. Secretly, she craved that kind of closeness. It was why she had caved to his whims in the first place, really. _'You weakling,'_ her head echoed despondently, _'you've grown attached to him. What's wrong with you? You KNOW you're NOT allowed to do that,' _she continued to berate herself in her own mind.

'Damnit, though...' she said out loud to herself. She looked up and realized she was outside; her legs had carried her into the shade of the large tree outside Nabu. '...aren't I allowed to be happy for once?' Suddenly, a horribly familiar mood came upon her, one that made her want to scream, to cry, to curse the day It came into her life.

She didn't do any of those things. Instead, she sat down on the bench, and pulled out a pen and her form. She'd lied through her teeth. She hadn't decided on shit. Now... she was going to. An act of defiance against It, against society, and against her own self-deprecation.

Spontaneously, she decided she was going to do something awfully idiotic.

* * *

'Hmmm… Takahashi-san… are you really sure about this?'

_**yOU aCTuaLLy pUt iT**_** dOwn. **It's laughter and taunting had been sporadically echoing in her ear ever since she'd filled the Career Aspirations form yesterday. It was far more active than usual. It seemed... pleased about her decision.

That just made her feel worse about what she'd done more than she already did, even though she'd not really done anything yet-

'_You complete buffoon. __This is exactly what happens when you do things in the heat of the moment, rather than thinking rationally. Just take it back, you fool. There's still time,' _the self-deprecating part of her mind told her as Inoue-sensei continued.

'You know, it… isn't the easiest school to get into, right? Even if it's the General Studies course… and looking at your grades… hmm… and you live in _Hatten_, the orphanage not far from here, don't you?… mmm, what I'm trying to say is…' he continued to mutter, but his next words were clear.

'Could someone like you really make it into UA?'

'_I thought with my heart instead of my head, and now here I am, having this uncomfortable conversation.'_ As her mind continued to work, she looked right, not that there would be anyone around, seeing as classes were done for the day… she just didn't want to face her teacher. She was starting to develop a headache.

She knew Inoue-sensei didn't mean any harm when he said those things. He was a nice teacher. He was just trying to be honest with her. Furthermore, if she thought about it logically, he was right. High school entrance exams were only a few months away, and quite frankly she wasn't exactly she sharpest tool in the shed. What chance did she have of passing UA's rigorous entrance exam? Moreover, a prestigious school like UA would surely consider background, if more than enough students passed and they had to use other criteria in order to produce a cut-off. Along with her poor grades in middle school, she was a throw away child. If she thought rationally, she had practically no chance of getting into that school. There would be It to deal with, too.

Still…

"… _I want to apply to UA…" _was what he had said.

And foolishly, oh so foolishly, she had allowed herself to grow attached to the idea. Where did she get off, trying to chase him around, anyway? Him and Atae weren't really _that _close. Those meetings at the library shouldn't mean anything, right? _'Yes. They meant **nothing.** Cease this foolishness,' _she thought, the self-deprecating thoughts trying to assure her just how big of a mistake she was making going through with this.

**_ua wOUld mOst dEfInEtEly hAve sOmE tAsty mOrsEls_**

Not only was this a pipe dream, she was playing right into It's hands. It **wanted **her to try to get into UA, and Atae Takahashi wasn't in the habit of doing things that It wanted.

And yet... 'I've given it a lot of thought, sensei.' _'No, you haven't, you liar!'_ ...No matter how much she tried, she couldn't shed the idea. _'Idiot. Ignoramus._ Have_ you gone completely numb in the head or something?' _she continued to admonish herself internally for standing by what was,quite frankly, an extremely poor life decision.

'I mean… all I'm saying is, maybe consider something else? If you want to go to senior high, there are plenty of schools in Saitama that are more achievable for y-'

'It most definitely HAS to be UA.' _'No, it REALLY doesn't, and you are **REALLY** being stupid right now!'_

'Hmm….' Inoue-sensei was doing that thing that always got on her nerves, where he would ponder and ponder and wouldn't stop hemming the entire time. 'Tell you what, some students are taking a mock exam next week Saturday, internally. I'll put your name in. The school should at least support you in that way, you know…' he began to mutter as he wrote something down, presumably a memo.

'Thank you, sensei.' Yes, this idea was the culmination of her bottling up a decades-worth of emotions, and all of that emotional withdrawal reaching a critical point. But…

* * *

…she had made a friend, hadn't she? She couldn't just cut herself off from him so easily. She got so lonely, sometimes.

She had no other ideas, anyway.

Just this once, she would act selfishly.

_**ua...? **_

_**thErE aRe sUrelY... gOOd bOdIEs thErE... dO iT dO iT DO IT**_

_'Extremely selfishly,' _she thought.

* * *

For the last week and a half or so, Hitoshi hadn't really talked that much to Takahashi, which was regrettable, but, as well as the incident in the library, he had to prepare for the mock exam. If he wanted to get into UA, he needed to at least see where he stood right now, and what he needed to improve on _('stop making excuses, Hitoshi... you're just scared she'll really get mad if you approach_ her'). And on that note… yes, although he hadn't talked to her at all really, she hadn't made any sort of indication on what she had decided, even though she had said there was a choice she had made.

That being said, when he walked into to the room they would be sitting the UA mock exam in, over an hour early, and she was sat one row back from the front, next to the window, he was… taken aback, to say the very least.

'Ah, Shinso-kun. I knew you were the type to arrive early. Compare notes with me?' She inquired, straight to the point, patting the seat next to her as if she wanted him to sit there… Hitoshi wasn't quite sure just how wide his eyes were at the current moment.

'_Shinso….-kun?!' _Now he was well and truly confused as he approached the seat next to where she was sat. Had he hit his head and been transported to Bizzaro-World? She'd rebuked him so firmly in the library last week, and now he got a "-kun"? Takahashi was going to give him emotional whiplash.

But, back to his more pressing question-what was she even doing here? Maybe Takahashi was smart, but she certainly didn't seem to put a lot of stock into studying, and she had never gotten particularly impressive grades compared to the rest of their year, usually sitting somewhere towards the bottom of the middle of the pack. Did she comprehend just how hard it was to get into a prestigious school like UA? 'Takahashi…' he began, not really knowing where to start as he sat down.

It seemed she felt there was some tension in the air, because the next thing she did was stand up straight and bow at near 90 degree angle at the waist. 'Shinso-kun... I'm really and truly remorseful for what I said to you in the library last time we met there. You've been so kind to me, all this time and I practically spat in the face of that kindness. Even after the fact, you didn't approach me with anger or pester me. I'm really grateful for your kindness, and I'm sorry about my attitude...' As she continued to talk, her voice became more and more pensive. Hitoshi thought his brain was going to explode. Was this the same Takahashi that had been in 3-E this entire time?

She stopped bowing, straightening back up. She tried and failed to look him in the eye, still pensive as she talked. 'I'm... no good at apologizing, I don't do it often, and I'm told I sound snarky when I do it. I hope it didn't come off that,' she continued, looking towards him and back away again. He wanted to say "no, you're fine", but she hadn't finished speaking yet. 'Truth be told, I- I'm stupid too. Emotionally and academically. I'm taking advantage of your kindness again, like always, and I'm doing it twofold, but, please accept my apology, and compare notes with me.' She finally finished, accentuating her ramble with another hasty bow. He noted that her hair was done up in a bun, which she never did (when they met in the library, she always had her hair down).

Shinso finally sat down and dragged his hand along his face exasperatedly before finally getting a word in. 'I mean… yeah, sure…' he started off, taking things out of his bag, 'but, Takahashi-san…' He really hoped he wasn't going to come off as being rude here. 'Why ar-'

'I mean, why are _you _here? Sorry, that was snappy wasn't it?' Again with the darting of the eyes. 'That was what you were going to ask, though.' She said it as if it were a fact, but waited for him to affirm it, and she took his silence as permission to continue. For the first time since she'd started talking, she made eye contact with him, her irises pooled with nothing but determination as she spoke with confidence. 'Same reason as you. I'm planning on applying to UA. For the General Studies Course, mind you, not the Hero Course.'

It was a stupid question, in hindsight, since students were coming to this room literally only for that purpose… but her reply surprised him anyway. He wanted to ask, _'why UA? Why General Studies?', _so, _so _many _why's_, but he didn't want to come off as annoying, not when he was 'Shinsou-_kun_' to her now, and besides…

'You're really seriou…OK. Start with Maths?'

Heroes were supposed to help people… and she needed his help right now.

* * *

As he sat there, looking at the results, the first think he thought was _'she's a damned liar.'_

They had been called back after school, the Thursday after they'd sat the mock. He'd gotten 7th, which was decidedly not bad at all, since there had been 57 students that had sat the exam. However, he was too shocked to pat himself on the back, because, right there on the board, inscribed in clear white chalk…

_2__nd__\- Takahashi Atae_

'_Ok, literally __**how**__?!' _was all he could think.

They were sitting next to each other again, and he kept flicking his eyes to the score at the front of her paper, again and again and again. _Five hundred and twelve out of a possible six-hundred marks_. Sure, it was still probably a ways away from first, everyone knew _that_ guy was a _genius_, but…

When they had compared notes before the exam, she had given no indication she was any better than him at the subject material, even though she had understood a lot more than he expected. Yet, here they were. He imagined that everyone else in the room was just as shocked, seeing as how it seemed almost everyone was staring in their general direction… they wouldn't know her, but the fact that some no-name managed to usurp them would probably be equal shocking to them.

'Attached to the back of your paper, and throughout it as well, you should find some feedback. Now, let's go over some model answers to questions a majority of you seemed to struggle with…'

'Shinsou-kun… could you please stop staring at my paper and I? It's kind of...' He was sure she wanted to say 'embarrassing', but he couldn't quite help himself.

'Sorry, Takahashi-chan… it's just, I'm kinda surprised. In a good way, of course!' He added on, not wanting to offend his friend.

'I guess I can understand that. Truthfully, I'm sort of surprised too… I did study a lot, but I didn't expect to do this well, considering it was only over a short time period…' she cut herself off with a yawn, as if to punctuate just HOW much she had been studying. Of course, Hitoshi wasn't completely obtuse. He had at least noticed she had been more tired lately, when he stole glances at her in class, and upon seeing her at the exam, put two and two together. _'Still, there's a point where it can be considered too much!,' _he thought, as he had no other explanation other than she must've spent every waking hour revising.

As the teacher rambled on about a particularly challenging indefinite integral problem, she turned to face him fully. 'Still, Shinso-kun… comparing notes with you really helped… those times in the library, too.'

* * *

"_Thank you."_

* * *

When she smiled at him like she had then, all he could think was, _'I hope we can both make it into UA for real.'_

* * *

**AN: Not one, but TWO whole chapters of more word vomit? Wahoo! This one is nearly 1,000 words longer than usual, too! Wow, I really need to get better at condensed story telling!**

**I've spent too long away from this story. No excuses. As a sort of apology, have a double update. Also know that as of this upload, 8 chapters of this story have been written. Knowing me, I'll probably edit and edit Chapter 4 until my fingers fall off, and then another month will have passed, but I'm going to try my damn hardest to keep to some sort of schedule. No promises, though.**

**By god, people are even following this drivel! I'm pleasantly surprised (seriously, if it gets too embarrassing, don't hesitate to unfollow). Thank y'all for reading, seriously.**


	4. 4: life moves even when you need to stop

**AN: I don't own Hero A-academia... o-okay?**

* * *

_**i cAnt wAIt fOr thE ExAm**_

_**sO mAny pOssIblE vEssEls**_

_**dEvOUr**_

* * *

It hadn't always been like this. She remembered a time before It… but with that came things she wanted to forget.

* * *

She had been five years old, then. Her quirk hadn't developed yet, and all the other kids teased her for it. It was OK, though, because her mother was always there for her.

Her mother - back then, she could only think about how pretty, kind and caring she was. And her mother had a quirk. With her voice, she could bring calm to almost any situation. Her mother always told her, 'its OK not to have a quirk. After all, Daddy doesn't, and I fell in love with him.' So, she didn't mind if she never got a quirk, but if she did, she would love her mother's.

Her father… nowadays, she wondered what her mother had ever seen in that man. He was never around, and when he was... (_'God, please let me forget.'_)

When she thought about her family, her old friends, she couldn't help but think of the day It, _IT-_

That time, her friend (back when she still had any) said she'd lost her favorite hair piece. She had been bawling her eyes out. Atae remembered the tears rolling down her friend's face, but she couldn't remember the details of the face itself. Really, she couldn't remember any of the faces from back then.

Except her parents. Their faces wouldn't go, memories too, _too potent-_

In an attempt to be like her mother, Atae's beautiful mother who she idolized so much, Atae had told her friend, in the softest, most melodic voice she could muster (_'nothing like Mommy's,' _she had thought then) she would help her find it.

Her first mistake was going alone. She should've brought her friend, an adult, anyone with her, truly.

Her second mistake was wandering so far from the school grounds, after the day had finished. But, her mother always came to pick her up late, so she would have time, right? Her friend had said she'd lost it sometime in the morning, so it was probably somewhere on the route she took to school, right?

Atae thought she knew the town well enough to not get lost. And her mother would've _definitely _helped look for the hairpiece if she was in her situation. Atae had always thought her mother was lovely like that.

The naivety of a stupid, young _idiot _child-

* * *

-Her third mistake was following the noise.

She first heard it at the crossing. Children were naturally curious, and Atae was a child, then, so she followed it.

_**eVeR sO stUpIdly**_

By the time she got to the alleyway, the noise was unmistakable. It was a man. Coughing. Raspy, short coughs. Even five-year-old Atae could tell the man was gravely ill.

Atae's mother was a nurse. Atae idolized her mother. Her mother would help in a situation like this, right? Atae decided she needed to see the man, and try and help him, like her mother would.

She didn't remember many faces from back then.

She would never forget what the man looked like, the image of him seared into the back of her retinas and her mind, never to disappear.

Sometimes, the man would appear in her nightmares, while it talked. Sometimes, It would take the face of the man himself.

That face, seemingly stuck in a permanent gasp, struggling for air. His skin, shriveled and discolored, sickening yellows and purples and grays disfiguring the human image. Rasping coughs continued to leave his chest

he kept gasping and wheezing

but that didn't make any SENSE

because five-year-old Atae, young as she was

knew the man was dead.

Something had been trailing from his chest, then, going behind a dumpster on the near side of her, the only other thing in the alleyway other than her and that man. She didn't care about that, though. Atae knew, _knew_ she could be of no help, but…

_Her fourth mistake._

Before she could have any second thoughts, her legs carried her over to the husk of a man, even as the stench of decay pierced her nostrils. She recognised the smell. Her mother came back to the house, smelling like that sometimes. She was always distraught, when she came back with that smell on her.

_In her haste, she hadn't taken note of what exactly the abomination leaving his body was, letting it slither behind the dumpster. _

Five-year-old Atae knew the man was beyond saving, so why did she approach the body? Why did she call out? He wouldn't see her. He wouldn't hear her. The coughing had stopped, now. Neither his eyes nor his chest made any movements.

_If she had just turned around… stopped being so irrational, and turned around, it wouldn't have happened._

She reached out to touch the man… then, she felt an explosion in the back of her head.

The vision of her left eye swam with red.

* * *

'Where do you think you're sneaking off to, girl?'

She had zoned out (sometimes It made it hard to concentration), but being brought back to the real world, she quickly replied. 'Out. With a friend. Just coffee, he's buying.' She said it with the ease of a practiced liar.

'Oh, _he's _buying? Would this boy _happen _to be the same friend you stayed after school to 'study' with? Atae, if you're up to no good-' Housemother Nadeshiko used her first name (she referred to every child at the orphanage that way), but her voice held no love.

Nadeshiko was one of the few full-time workers at the orphanage, and she was by far the one Atae hated the most. Her over-sized nose and beady eyes – she looked like a troll, and to Atae, she was one, just waiting for the chance to kill them (_'and eat us' _she had thought when she was younger, but her imagination didn't run as wild now). These features were apparently because she was part-Russian (Atae didn't believe that for a second – "Nadeshiko" probably wasn't even her real name). Clearly this must have been the only job she could find, because she absolutely _detested _any and everyone under the age of 18.

'No ma'am. No trouble at all.' _'At least, not in the way you're thinking.'_ Atae hadn't told anyone in the orphanage about her applying to U.A. – and she had no intention of anyone ever finding out. Not only would they find every way possible to stop her from going (uniforms, train rides, that costed money that the orphanage didn't have), news like that ALWAYS got around to the older kids, and she wasn't exactly looking forward to a verbal – _and possibly physical _– lashing from them.

'Hmmm…' Nadeshiko was a living lie detector, able to smell bullshit coming from a desperate child a mile away. However, Atae was a professional in the art of lying. It was an ugly habit to have, but it helped her to survive in a world that didn't want her. Maybe if Nadeshiko had known her for longer, she would be able to tell, but she was only in her second year of working this job – Atae had ten years of lying experience on her; she was deep in the game.

Nadeshiko let out a deep sigh, biting the lie hook, line and sinker. Atae would be proud if she didn't hate liars (and as an extension, the act of lying itself) so much. 'Goddamnit, it's too early for this… you brat. Get Rin, she's responsible, unlike you, she'll make sure you're going where you say you are. Out of the way, I'm busy –_'_ Nadeshiko spoke fast, all the time, like she didn't have a second to waste taking care of the "brats" that swarmed the orphanage (aka doing her job). 'Yes, ma'am,' was Atae's only reply. She still didn't completely buy it? Okay - Rin wouldn't care what Atae was doing, and she would probably use the chance to sneak off and do something she found fun. _'Responsible, my ass. Like you would know,'_ she thought to herself. She would get Rin – she hadn't been awake when Atae got up, but she was quick to get ready, which was good. The sooner they got out of here, the better.

'I was itching for an excuse to get out of that stuffy room. Thanks.'

'Why are you thanking me? I needed to go out.' Rin was kind, overly thankful. One of the thousands of different ways Takahashi Atae and Yabumi Rin were different.

Where Atae couldn't be bothered about her appearance, Rin was prim and proper, always dolled up, even lightly, for every occasion. She got the makeup from sucking up to any and every part-timer who had a lick of compassion to them, but it was the luck of the draw she was always able to spruce up any hand-me-down into something fashionable. _'Useful quirk to have,' _Atae always thought.

Where Atae was moody and quiet, Rin always had a cheerful disposition and just loved to talk. She had begun to talk already, not able to stand more than a second of silence. 'So, roomie… where is it that you're going, really? No way a boy would invite you anywhere.' She punctuated that with a mirthful chuckle, but Atae took no offense. She had known Rin long enough to know when she was.

'It doesn't matter where I'm going,' was her stoic reply. Rin didn't falter, embracing a verbal bout with Atae as long as she got to talk. 'Really? Then why is it that we're walking in the direction of the train station? Did you think I wouldn't notice?' Rin's rebuttal was delivered in a cheeky tone and with a cat-like smirk, and Atae couldn't help but let out a heavy sigh.

Rin frowned in response and began to speak more softly. 'Come on, roomie, you can tell me. Confiding secrets in others always help, and I can keep a secret. (Atae's eyebrow raised at that one). Are you… actually meeting a boy? Either way,' her voice was a conspiratorial whisper, now, 'I swear on my honor as a Yabumi that I won't tell a soul!'

Atae's eyebrow climbed even higher on her forehead. 'First of all, you said you made that last name up to sound like you were royalty when you had to move orphanages (how'd she get her hands on the orphanages papers to do that, anyway?).' 'That doesn't affect the name's swear-on-ability!' She pouted, and Atae couldn't hold back a snicker, which caused Rin's cat-smirk to resurface.

Atae sighed again. 'You're really not gonna stop bothering me about this, are you…' That got a response of vigorous nodding. 'Okay, if you PROMISE you can keep a secret, Rin.' More nodding. _'Almost at the station, now.'_ 'I'm… actually sitting the UA entrance exam.'

Rin froze, her usually expressive face now completely blank. '….Huh?' Atae didn't acknowledge her any further. 'Oh, look my train is about to arrive… meet back here at... three o'clock, so we can look like we went to the same area. Bye.' Before Rin could get a word in edgewise, Atae had already dashed down the stairs into the station.

'EHH?! No fair, wait up!'

* * *

Atae felt bad for running off and practically forcing Rin to meet her back at the station later in the day… but then again, that's just who she was, right? Cold, distant and emotionally detached, uncaring about the feelings of others.

She sighed, slumping down into her train seat. _'Not too packed today,' _she noted, trying to think about how she would earn back the money she'd saved up to get train tickets… her mind just wouldn't stop wandering.

It's not like she wanted to be that way towards Rin, or _anyone _– okay, maybe she did, but being around people like Rin made her nervous, and she only knew how to deal with her problems in two ways; lie to someone (most times herself) or avoid it altogether. She couldn't help it, really – even with Shinso, it was practically torture to conversate unless he said something first.

Her mind wandered to Shinso. She wondered how he was feeling. He'd studied hard, but it was important to him, so the nerves were probably kicking in… and that thought kicked her own nerves into gear. Was she even ready for this thing? She'd done well on that mock (the results had shocked even her) but what if it wasn't that close to the real thing? What if she'd skimmed out on some super important material not in the mock? What if-

Atae scratched at her bun; she wasn't used to feeling this nervous. In fact, she couldn't even remember the last time she had the jitters like this at all. What were you supposed to do at times like this…? She took some deep breaths. _'In the end, you'll either fail, or you'll not.' _Rationality kicking in, she mentally noted that failure had always been a very real possibility. Up until a couple of weeks ago, she wouldn't even have imagined herself being in a position to sit this exam, let alone passing the thing.

…

…Still, imagining going to school and coming home with Shinso, even if they were in different classes…

She gripped her skirt tight, determination set on her features. _'I'll try my best… and hopefully…_'

* * *

Gripping her skirt, she realised how worn the fabric was.

'_I'm definitely going to be the rattiest looking kid there.' _That thought was the catalyst for a long-suffering sigh. _'Hand me downs suck…'_

'_Maybe Rin can fix 'em up for… nah.'_

* * *

**AN: So, again no excuses. Just lost track of time (last couple of weeks have been a blur), so here's another late update. I'm really sorry.**

**I got my first review! Thank you GrimmaulDee for the support! Happy you think it's so great. If you guys have comments, or criticism, don't be afraid to drop a review (on a related note, tell me if I'm laying on the friendship between Atae and Hitoshi too thick. I wonder if they've progressed too fast...). This chapter was more about establishing Atae's life outside of school... lemme know how y'all feel about it.**

**I swear the next update won't be so late... like I said before, I've already written multiple chapters, I'm just deathly afraid of writer's block and don't want updates to slow once my creativity starts running dry. **

**Thanks for reading Indulgent Word Vomit: The Fanfiction!**


End file.
